Early Monday morning, in an unprecedented demonstration of the obfuscation of the real world, average tweeters everywhere were given the ability to make Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Betty White listen to their boring sub-140 character life updates. Yes, kiddies, it’s true. Well, ok, I really don’t know if Betty White is on Twitter- I missed SNL this weekend - but had you known about this, you would have been able to make someone follow you on Twitter. A force-follow if you will, any twit you could dream up.
What would I have done with such immense power? Probably frittered it away, or should I say twittered it away. I would have made Sarah Palin follow me, then posted locations of secret tea-bagging sessions where everyone would get a free Prada goodie bag for participating. The locations would all turn out to be Planned Parenthood offices. I would have forced myself upon Rob Lowe and Jude Law, tipping them off to the headquarters of the under-23 nanny society, only to have a gang of purring cougars laying in wait. I would have thanked Katie Perry for getting engaged so my husband could stop pining after her already (kidding Jon).
We haven't seen this big of a celebrity privacy invasion since 2005, when Paris Hilton's Sidekick was hacked. I dropped T-Mobile right after that, too risky. Seriously, though, I like to imagine what it must have been like when Brittany Spears woke up to find out that Suzy Nobody went for a long bike ride or that Joe Sixpack ate the daily special at the Rise and Shine Biscuit Kitchen. Celebrity assistants worldwide have their work cut out for them, extracting all the riff-raff from their clients’ follow lists. Go ahead and remove Brett Michaels, Kim Kardashian, and that chick with eight kids while you’re in there, why don’t ya?
Once the chief twits got wise to the glitch, the company became all atwitter to fix the issue, taking out everyone’s followers in the process. Good lord, what now? Would we all have to go back to living as if it were 2007, perish the thought! For those of you opening up a new twitter tab in your web browser right now, don’t despair about the state of your followers. I checked, and all three of my followers have come back (hi Mom).
So rest easy everyone; it is going to be okay. No harm done, really, except to a few celebrities. And they probably deserved it anyway.
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